(photo: one of Darius Miles’ whips)

MotherFucker! He’s done it again.

Oprah Magazine writer Oregonian “Sports” columnist John Canzano filed another one of those stories that made me spit out my morning coffee. And Jesus, then the coffeeshop dog came over and lapped it up. Gross.

Now, “this is a music blog” you’re saying. Yeah. Well check this, Canzano writes:

“Lupe Fiasco is the hip-hop version of the Trail Blazers.”

Ok, Johnny boy, whatever you say. Sure, Lupe is a somewhat palatable hiphop posterboy for repressed white people like yourself, but come on. If you were going to make a blazers-music analogy wouldn’t you want to choose a BAND? You know, beacuse it’s WORKING TOGETHER that makes them good.

Maybe like, oh, I don’t know, Dannity Kane or something? They like, fought to make the team, and, uhh, rely on one another. Whatever. Who cares. Music-sports analogies are stupid.

But so is Canzano’s painting the picture that the new Blazers all listen to nice-boy music like Lupe. This, I happen to know, isn’t the whole truth. Last year I interviewed a bunch of Blazers about what they liked, and it wasn’t a bunch of weak sauce.

Sure, Travis Outlaw is good kid, but that doesn’t keep him from bumping the Birdman (“I’mma Fuck Around And Put That Boy Brains On The Table
Pick ‘em up, fuck ‘em Let ‘Em Lay”).

Yeah, Brandon Roy’s a stand up guy, but the last concert he went to then was E-40 (“You got a mean throat game and your coochie is serious/ Pussy so good I fuck you on your peroid”).

And though he may not slurp the syrup, babyfaced sweetheart Martell Webster does enjoy himself some Lil’ Wayne (“Money over bitches and flowers over snitches” — and Lil’ Wayne is the Best Rapper Alive, by the way).

What does it all mean? Easy: the music you listen to says little about your character. Chew on that Canzano, you insufferable sot.

Alright, now we’re moving on to a sports tirade, so follow along if you like.

It's way past time for Canzano to quit invoking the Jailblazer era (something I believe he helped create). The same core of guys were selling plenty of tickets before that Game 7 against the Lakers broke their backs.

The reason Portland fans started giving up on the team was because THEY WERE SUCKING. Had they beat the Lakers that year and went on to win the title could you honestly say that the team would've been dismantled because of petty offenses?

Nah brah.

So there you have it. I have much, much more to say on the matter, but this is neither the time or the place. But before we go, let's share one of the real gems from Canzano's bullshit-hall-of-fame. This one's about why you shouldn't take the Greg Oden injury too hard because some dude named, yes, Birdman(!!!) is homeless. This was published in the Sports section, not next to Ann Landers.

Ugh.