Are you excited for the The Portland Music Awards?
What’s that? You didn’t know there was a Portland Music Awards?

Nor did I.
That was until I got the email press release, the majority of which I have posted below. It’s not a good sign when the subject of the email read: The 2008 Portalnd [sic] Music Awards, January 28th at Roseland Theater.

Yay Portalnd!

My problem with this event is not the involvement of the shady Craig Marquardo—WW has already done a fine job of skewering the guy, so I’m not going to pile on—but it’s just that this concept is so flawed on so many levels.

With a rich, illustrious music scene, one that has spawned platinum artists, indie stalwarts, and world acclaim, Portland, Oregon has long been overdue for an awards show to celebrate said music scene.

Overdue? No, this music scene is overdue for reformed all-age restrictions. Overdue for a new OLCC voting board. Overdue for independent music retailers who can keep their head above the water. Overdue for a living wage for musicians. But an award show? We do not need one.

The 2008 Portland Music Awards are best described as a Grammy-style event with twenty-two awards being presented, including Album of the Year, Best New Artist, Best Music Venue, Pioneer and Legends Awards, and more. Much like the Grammys, the awards presentations will be interspersed with musical performances by some of the most innovative acts in Portland across almost every genre (rock, indie, jazz, blues, pop, country, bluegrass, classical, hip-hip, world music, Latin).

Fair enough. But who decides the winners? Marquardo? Lord, I hope not. Also, if you care so much for Portland’s “illustrious music scene,” I doubt it helps things to hand over a trophy to any band declaring them Portland’s Best (fill in the blanks).

The artists currently scheduled to perform include: The Dimes, Josh Hodges (from Sexton Blake), Debra Arlyn, Ohmega Watts, Obo Addy, and Derby. As well as Ashleigh Flynn, Caleb Klauder & Sammy Lind, Climber, Echo Helstrom, Sound Spell, Key Of Dreams, The Rose City Chamber Orchestra, and Music Spectator Magazine’s own Craig Marquardo (with the Vega Dance Lab and joined by the NW Gospel Choir).

Granted, there is some great talent there, but it’s not worthy of a $30 cover. “Grammy-style” or not, that is a whole lot of money to drop at the door. Also, I don’t mean to keep poking fun at the fellow, but notice how Marquardo is also performing? That makes the award show trifecta—promoting, hosting and performing—for Marquardo. You know he is probably going to win an award as well. Best Portland Latin Band? Sure, why not? He can win that. It’s not real anyway.

The event will be co-hosted between Marquardo and a female celebrity host.

Storm Large, right? It has to be. If not, it better be Marquardo in drag, co-hosting with himself. “And the winner is… me!”

When asked about his ultimate goal for the 2008 Portland Music Awards, Marquardo states that, “All the years I have been here, I heard the talk about the rich and vibrant music scene Portland has to offer, but the only validation came from their success elsewhere. These awards are hopefully a major step towards this city honoring their own.”

Yes, and nothing says “success” and “validation” like a shiny trophy from a fake award show.