Don’t worry music fans! Those brilliant old white men behind the big desks in Hollywood have a plan! What plan, you ask? To hire that jackoff Perez Hilton to do A&R! That ought to do it. Forget any real restructuring—that Soulless Purveyor of consumer culture will do just fine.

At any rate I guess the industry decided that cheap thrills and ringtones will one day triumph over meaningful art. (Sad thing is they’ll succeed in making it true. Whether or not they are SHOULD is another thing…)

WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE

I challenge YOU, record industry, to double down! I too am a snarky internet blog writer (plus I’m way better looking than Fatso there! And we all know how Tinseltown feels about looks). I’ll go toe to toe with Hilton any day on music, writing, IQ, basketball, dexterity, balance, shouting, puking, you name it. Let’s throwdown, motherfucker! I’ll beat you at ANYTHING except a popularity contest, which is gross and I reject the notion of popularity as any indicator of actual worth (do you?).

SO SIGN ME, THE VENERABLE ANDREW R TONRY, TO AN A&R JOB!

I’ll do it for half of what you’re paying Fatso. All I’m really interested in—other than hearing and sharing good music—are righteous expense and travel accounts. I know I could bring you home some serious projects. They may not sell a lot of ringtones, but if we get lucky we’ll back something that, 20 or 40 years down the road, people will still be talking about.

Go for it! Get some balls and set me free!

(Disclaimer: I don’t believe in collagen injections, boob jobs, spary on tans, Hollywood, velvet ropes, Mickey Avalon, Paris Hilton, class, cars, status, trophy wives/boyfriends/girlfriends, Von Dutch, faux-hippies, corporate sponsors (except when the booze is free), Laurel Canyon, the Movie Industry, Beckam, etc… oh, and being on time. Not super good at that either. But hey, down in L.A., who is, right?)