Really? OMG!!! This is too good to be true. Deuce Bigalow sings? World-renowned thespian Rob Schneider is performing at the Doug Fir tomorrow night? America’s own pint-sized Laurence Olivier? Will he do his famed “Tiny Elvis” routine? Will he bring to the stage his hilarious turns in The Animal and The Hot Chick, in which he convincingly took on the roles of, respectively, an animal and a hot chick? Perhaps he’ll recreate the racist stereotypes he’s played in every Adam Sandler movie ever!

… Wait, what? BOB Schneider? Who the hell is Bob Schneider? A mild-mannered Austin folkie with a wide sentimental streak, whose songs sound like Jay Farrar and Adam Duritz sharing a hot tub, you say? Who typically stays in lyrical folk mode, but has a couple ill-advised lite-funk G. Love-type numbers, and even posted a god-awful rap on his MySpace page? I see. Well, I highly doubt his talent is the same caliber as that of Sir Rob Schneider, but there’s only so much genius to go around, I suppose.

w/Tina Dico, Jay Thomas; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, Sat March 29, 9 pm, $15