FOR IMMIDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Coachella Police Department
Indio Sheriff Station
82-695 Dr Carreon Blvd
Indio, California 92201
(760)863-8990

All Points Bulletin:

All officers be on the lookout for an inflatable two-story giant pig, which “escaped” from Coachella Music Festival, Sunday, April 27th.

Rumors abound as to the pig’s whereabouts. Numerous tips point towards a contingent of three to four stout, blonde, box-headed men in their early 20’s. Dressed in frayed, Abercrombie cargo shorts, flip-flops, and pooka-shell necklaces, the young men were overheard plotting the pig’s disappearance. The pig was reported missing during Roger Waters’ second set, around 11:00pm, Sunday night.

A concert-goer, reportedly overheard the following conversation in the main-stage field, Sunday at 10:00pm:

“This shit is gay, dude,” one said.

“Rage was so tight last year,” another said.

“YEAH DUDE, but nothing can TOUCH Woodstock ’99!”

“Hell yah, brah. Where’s all the trim? I NEED SOME PUSSAY! THIS IS Fuckin’ gay, brah. I NEED SOME PUSSAY!”

“ FUCK YEAH DUDE! Dude, you see that pig? Let’s FUCK THAT SHIT UP, DELTA TAO STYLE!”

“FUCK YEAH BRAH!”

The group reportedly proceeded to chug their remaining case of Miller “Chill”, then disappeared behind the Mojave tent. Local authorities later discovered a number of empty syringes, which are believed to have contained the anabolic steroid Depo-Testosterone and Deca-Durabolin.

The group is believed to be driving a Dodge Ram King-cab, with vanity plates (“BUTTSXXX”). Approach with caution—if indeed the men are using anabolic steroids, they may be volatile. Tasers should be drawn and used liberally.

Suspect Descriptions:

“Todd” – White male, 5’8”, 220 lbs. Brown hair with “frosted” blonde tips. White t-shirt reading: “I Shaved My Balls for THIS?”

“Chad” – White male, 5’8”, 185 lbs. “Jersey-style” pencil beard. Club shirt.

“Rich” – White male, 6’,1”, 200 lbs. T-shirt reads: “Giggity Giggity”

“Todd” – White male, 6’, 195 lbs. Club shirt, Oakley sunglasses. May be Todd Whitemore, who was cited and taken to Coachella Detention and Detox. Whitemore was suspected to applying date-rape drug rohypnol to a female concert-goers drink. In an attempt to avoid charges, Whitemore claimed to have prepared the cocktail for himself, and quickly drank the evidence. Whitemore was then moved to the detox tent, where he remained glassy-eyed and vomiting until Saturday morning.

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OK, that’s a load of shit. But seriously, the pig IS lost and there’s a big reward: $10,000 bucks and four tickets to next year’s show. HAH! Anyone with info can email lostpig@coachella.com. HAHAHA!!