As Sasquatch! quickly approaches, I examine the line-up and check out bands I’ve never heard before.

Band: Joshua Morrison
Scheduled time: 3:15 Saturday 5/24, Yeti stage
Evidence gathered: A homemade tour video (seen above), taken from his MySpace page.

Okay, this sounds like a million other acoustic singer-songwriters. The guitar picking is not bad, shows promise. It’s awfully pretty, though—pretty in the same way that the embroidered flower pattern on toilet paper is pretty. Might he take a dark left turn here, and make some interesting music? It’s possible. Joshua Morrison served in Iraq, so maybe he’s got some stories to share.

But no. This is Hallmark Card music at its most blatant and unimaginative. It’s about wanting to go home. A potent emotion, sure, but not a very complex or interesting one. “Quietly cursing the distance under your breath. The spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak.” It goes on from there. No bad feelings, just kind of an “Aw shucks won’t it be nice to go home.” He’s pitching big fat slow balls, perfectly over the plate. Boring, and unnecessarily chewy.

If I was a war bride, and hadn’t seen my husband in ten months, and he wrote this song for me—sure, my knees would get weak. I might even get a little puddly. But I’m not, I haven’t, and he didn’t. So, no.

How will he fare at Sasquatch?
I doubt he’ll do much to get the party started, but by mid-afternoon people may be in need of a gentle, soft-handed massage-of-the-heart… more likely, though, folks will still have energy to burn, and this will be too much of a snooze.

Will I make a point to see him?
Again, this comes down to the competition. Ozomatli plays on the main stage at the same time, so Morrison actually might have a shot… but his set overlaps with both the Whigs and Kathleen Edwards on the Wookie stage, both of whom I like a lot more than this—so, nope.