'Tis the season for traffic, shopping cart Gran Turismo, and FM radio stations devoted entirely to Christmas songs played through Kenny G's magical soprano sax. Excuse us while End Hits transforms into the latter, minus Mr. G's epic version of "Little Drummer Boy."
First, we travel to the South Pacific, where the humid winter air is lit by flickering tiki torches and holiday beverages are consumed out of coconuts with red and green umbrellas.
The Dinning Sisters & Bob Atcher - "Christmas Island"
(Fun Fact: Christmas Island's only source of economy comes from the mining of guano (bat poop) for Phosphate—this could make for a shitty stocking stuffer.)
It is a well known fact that our beloved Ol' Saint Nick is a total creep. Here, Clarence Carter pushes that idea to the limit.
Clarence Carter - "Backdoor Santa"
In Space, Christmas music is ruled by alien Moogists Sy Mann and Dick Hyman (yes, that's his real name).
Sy Mann - "When Christmas Comes" from Switched On Santa!
Conway Twitty has officially turned my favorite Christmas song into a creepy anthem for those who drive windowless vans around the playground. Listen to the way he says "...special touch" and shudder when he sings the word "Children." Fortunately, the track cuts out right before Twitty goes into the story of Ding-a-Ling, the World Famous Jingle Bell. Sick.
Conway Twitty- "Silver Bells"
Last, arguably the best Christmas song. Ever. Courtesy of Satchmo.
Louis Armstrong- "Zat You, Santa Claus?"