Weezer is playing?

I am confused as you. So confused that I can't think of a snarky joke about this. It's just kind of—gehhh. Wait, I got one coming... A band years past their prime plays a retail opening for a brand that's well past its... eh, sorry. Kind of fizzled out there. I don't know if I can summon anything else. It's all just kind of too icky. Still, and I think I am being honest here, I'd actually rather see Weezer play a fucking Microsoft store opening than trundle out to see them at some shitty, echoey arena. Right? So there's that.

Weezer at the Microsoft Store in Pioneer Place, Fri June 21, 7 pm. Full details here. Heads up: They are expecting the line to begin on Wednesday.

Geehhhhhh.

[UPDATE: According to the Microsoft Facebook "app" that seems to be the only place with show info, the Weezer show "will be held near Pioneer Place at Pioneer Courthouse Square." You need to get tickets by waiting in line at the store opening. First 200 people get meet-and-greet tickets. It all sounds very complicated (not sure how many tickets are available) so go there if you need the skinny. As to where the store is actually located, the app says "Pioneer Place, 330 SW Yamhill Street" which is the location of the Tiffany store. Regardless, it does say the store itself is considered part of Pioneer Place. My apologies if you feel the headline, as it reads now, is inaccurate, so I'll suggest that the "damn mall" is more a state of mind than a physical place.]

This is the video from last night's show—which doubled as a two hour commercial for Vitaminwater*—that took place in nearby Boring, Oregon as the culmination of Vitaminwater's bizarre "Make Boring Brilliant" promotional campaign. This is one of those weird instances of marketing breaking through conventional advertising methods and running entirely amok. It's too strange for words. It looks like the drink brand took over the entire town of Boring, taking over "boring" town meetings and flag raisings for the purpose of comedy sketches (done by College Humor—you can watch just the sketches here). The boring old Red Apple Diner was turned into a fancy French restaurant! They put a dinosaur in the boring town park! Because Boring, Oregon, is boring, get it?, and thank god that Vitaminwater came to town to zazz it up for everybody! Hooray for Vitaminwater, you should buy some now or be doomed as a dullard forever.

This all culminated yesterday with an invite-only concert at the lodge at Camp Kuratli at Trestle Glen that had performances by Santigold, Matt & Kim, and B.o.B., with a lesser Wayans emceeing. I had hoped to get out there yesterday to see the thing for myself, but traffic made it impossible for me to get to Boring before the doors closed at 5:45. I'm a little relieved, as this thing looks sort of unbearable—shiny and flashy and loud and just plain dumb. But I probably could have gotten a lot of free Vitaminwater.

Still, this feels like an old joke turned into a bigger, longer, stupider joke. Boring, Oregon is boring! Small-town life in America is essentially unbearable! Here's a pretend concert that the public is not allowed to attend to make it all better!

* Vitaminwater prefers to be branded as the lower-case "vitaminwater," but Vitaminwater is a proper noun, so fuck that. Vitaminwater is not e.e. cummings.

Okay, so last night's pairing of Refused with opening band Sleigh Bells was a little unorthodox. But it sounds like a couple Refused fans were downright rude to Sleigh Bells. Check it out over on the I, Anonymous blog.

...except in this case, you probably can.

Tempest comes out September 11, and will sound like a squeaky screen door being battered by the wind.

Look, I know it's hard for bands to hang onto their glory days. But for the life of me, I don't know why anyone would want to subject themselves to this. Have you seen this video of Van Halen ruining "Jump" at the Greensboro stop on their 2007 tour? Maybe you need a reminder—take a listen. It is the WORST thing you will ever see and hear.

The painfully out-of-tune guitar and backing track are only part of the problem. Take a look at the four-minute mark and tell me what David Lee Roth is doing. Seriously. What is David Lee Roth doing??

Agh. This makes me miss Gary Cherone. And don't get me started on poor Michael Anthony.

• Dear Jerry, I hate you. Signed, me.

I'm always looking for a millionaire dollar book pitch (Hot, gay Vampires that crave a good, hard staking! What? It's been done before?) so I can bail on this sinking ship and join the lucrative and profitable world of publishing.

Since Gaydracula is out (it gets better, buddy), looks like it's time for plan B: a book devoted entirely to Grateful Dead artwork that stoned hippies draw on envelopes. Now to sit back and let the Dead Head nostalgia money roll in...

Since the band's earliest days, Grateful Dead staff saved tens of thousands of decorated ticket-request envelopes sent to them by Dead Heads hoping to capture the ticketing staff’s attention with their mind-bending designs. These envelopes are inspirational and hugely insightful, not to mention brilliantly illustrated and unique within the world of rock. Now, for the first time in print, these unique pieces of art have found a home.

Crap.

From author, rock historian, and the Dead Head of all Dead Heads, Paul Grushkin, Dead Letters: The Very Best Grateful Dead Fan Mail collects more than 300 of these mind-blowing envelope masterpieces, all presented in 14 thematic chapters.

Are you ready to have your fucking mind-blown... by an envelope? I sure am. Of the "14 thematic chapters," 13 are devoted to "Dancing Bears and Skulls With Roses and Some Shit" with the final chapter being an epilogue.

Some notes about this email: When the publicist mentions "Andrew" I believe they think that I'm Andrew R. Tonry (Zoltar finally made my one wish come true!) and despite what the opening sentence says, I have never talked with this person. More importantly, I have no need for Tone® Body Wash. My skin is fucking immaculate®©™.

Hi Ned/Andrew,

It was great speaking with you and I look forward to potentially working with you on this giveaway opportunity. Below is the concert ticket giveaway opportunity that I believe would be a great fit for your readers on behalf of the Tone® Body Wash Backstage Pass Series featuring Sara Bareilles

We’d love to offer you the following prize package to give away on your site or through your social media handles as you see fit.

— Two-Six tickets to the 08/16 Sara Bareilles concert in Tulsa.
— A sample of Tone's latest products, including their new Tone® Vino Moisture Body Wash with Crushed Grape and Shea Butter

Please let me know if this is this something you would be interested in? As this is coming up quite quickly, we'd appreciate if you could let us know at your earliest convenience.

Thanks much!

So, uh, anyone want to go to Tulsa?

Enemy to both local designers and shoppers with good taste, Urban Outfitters is now selling this "Blood is the New Black Metal Bears" Distressed Tank Top. It's a lovely top for any lady with $30 to spare and the desire to wear a shirt that rips off iconic black metal pioneers Immortal. I anxiously look forward to Forever 21's new line of Mayhem-inspired corpse paint for tween girls.

After the jump, a snappy little Immortal tune to score your online shopping excursion. Black Metal bitches be shopping, y'all!

Continue reading »

Jakob Dylan, you can step down now. The Dylan lineage has now given us a new punchline: Pablo Dylan. Yes, the very same up-and-coming emcee that recorded "Top of the World" and declared "Bitch I'm gonna get that crown, while I'm at it I might reinvent sound." Evidently sound is reinvented by sounding like a Drake knockoff. Anyway, Pablo gave an interview where he talks about his grandpappy:

“I mean, really, my grandfather, I consider him the Jay-Z of his time, and he definitely has a legacy that a lot of people look up to," Pablo Dylan told AllHipHop.com in an exclusive interview.

Does that make Joan Baez the Beyonce of her time? I am so confused right now.

Ugh.

Grammy® Award-winning artist Weezer announces The Weezer Cruise. Taking to the ocean January 19-23, 2012, The Weezer Cruise is a music festival-at-sea curated by Weezer on the Carnival Destiny sailing from Miami to the island of Cozumel, off the coast of Mexico.

Along with Weezer and 2,500 passengers, The Weezer Cruise will feature fifteen bands performing shows around the ship through the day and night, festival-style. Weezer will perform on the pool deck as the ship pulls out and then again in the indoor main theater.

In addition to Weezer, there will be performances from Dinosaur Jr., Sebadoh, Gene Ween and Dave Dreiwitz, Wavves, The Antlers, Yuck, Free Energy, Boom Bip, J. Mascis, Lou Barlow, Keepaway, Ozma, The Nervous Wreckords, The Knocks, Sleeper Agent, and Yacht Rock Review.

Since the real Weezer disappeared into the Bermuda Triangle following the release of Pinkerton, this is less a cruise and more an expedition to discover what really happened to the once-beloved band.

It's also the first—of many—signs that those who grew up in the '90s are now entering into the nostalgia cruise demographic. If you told 15-year-old me that I was going to someday write about a Weezer cruise that features Sebadoh I'd be stunned.

Then I'd question why you traveled back in time to tell me such unimportant news.