Marking his professional transition to full-time boozehound, we got this tip from former music editor-turned-bar owner Ezra Caraeff.

Need a little help with what you're drinking? Try Drinkify, which pairs music with a beverage. Punch in what you're listening to, and the handy database comes up with the ideal pairing.

A few kinks*, though: There's a "turn music off" switch, but I don't hear any music playing to begin with. And some of the drink choices are a little, uh, strange. Punching in "Thin Lizzy" doesn't result in either Irish whiskey or stout, which is totally wrong; instead, Drinkify suggest a disgusting-sounding concoction of rum, elderberry liquor, and tomato juice. "Culture Club" results in a suggestion of one entire ounce of Red Bull (???). "Tom Waits" gives you a relatively mild suggestion of a whole bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. "Neil Young" results in red wine, garnished with a cucumber—weird. And "Frank Sinatra" results in a bottle of merlot, garnished with a maraschino cherry. Um, NO.

*Drinkify's suggestion for the Kinks? Four ounces of sloe gin. Seems about right.

Cinderella came here to kick ass and eat chili dogs, and looks like they are all out of chili... oh wait, no, there seems to be enough chili dogs to go around.

The hair metal band that single-handedly kept Aqua Net in business during the 1980s, Cinderella weren't too cool to turn down some commercial work on the side—that's what we in the industry call "chili money," you never walk away from that—including this incredible advertisement for Pat's Chilli Dogs. If you look close enough you'll notice that their drummer is playing air drums instead of using an actual kit, or a snare drum packed full of delicious chili.

I think someone needs to recreate this ad for Zach's Shack.

End Hits: Pat's Dogs! The cook is never tired!

Pickathon ain't got shit on Dickie Thon. That is all.

When not particular about what you want to listen listen to, switching on the ol' random switch can spit out an occasional "reading my mind/just what I wanted to hear" moment. I didn't really want to listen to nothing, but I honestly didn't care what was chosen for me. But it struck me when a sequence of songs I like a lot happened to play right next to each other, like they were meant to be together: The Buzzcocks "I Don't Mind" before, no kidding, Tame Impala's "I Don't Really Mind." How did I feel about? I didn't mind one bit!

Happy Valentine's Day to all the single ladies and gentlemen of Portland.

In anticipation of this, it's been brought to my attention how much of a weak link Anthrax is on that tour.

No one likes Anthrax*.

* Notable exceptions: Scott Ian's parents. Chuck D. Kelly Bundy.

• "Tell that to the judge, baby raper."

In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad, known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories... with John Darnielle!

Few causes get our endorsement like this seemingly random attempt to cast Mountain Goats frontman John Darnielle in an episode of Law and Order: SVU. Sure, why not? If Justin Bieber got on CSI, then Darnielle—the Justin Bieber for literate adults—can just as easily find a role on one of the dozen Law and Order programs.

Here's the campaign's mission statement:

Facebook got Betty White on SNL, and that's a start, but we are now tasked with a much more important mission. John Darnielle has stated repeatedly that he would like to appear on NBC's hit police procedural Law and Order: Special Victim's Unit. Who better than his legion of fans to rally and make this a reality? We love John and his band. We love lines like, "Tell that to the judge, baby raper." The two would almost certainly go together like hyperliterate peanut butter and semen-spattered jelly.

Perhaps he can even sing a catchy little number with Detective Fin Tutuola, AKA Ice-T. Hopefully it will turn out better than Ice-T's last rock and roll duet.

Okay I'm kidding about that, but does raise a very, very important question: What band has the biggest fans? (And by biggest, I mean fattest.)

Tad? ICP? Meat Loaf?

Above is the label for Upright Brewing's latest. Not only is it nameless, but it's also "style-less" according to Upright (who'd rather you make up your own mind about where it sits in the beer spectrum). And, yes, that is the Clash.

While it doesn't sound as if brewer Alex Ganum is looking to make "the Only Beer that Matters," it's clear he is aligning himself with a kind of punk aesthetic, linking the workingman's farmhouse-style brew to the loud leftist leanings of the British punk legends. I wonder, though, if anyone's going to make the point that Upright's bottles have a tendency to be priced out of the range of lower class incomes? Wait, I guess I just did. I'm not saying Upright's beers aren't worth the price. In fact, the craft and care put into their brews are worth the premium (I try to have a bottle of Four in my fridge as often as possible). However, not knowing the price point, I can't say how proletariat friendly this brew will be.

With all that being said, it'll be interesting to see how Upright's rock brew compares with, say, Lagunita's Zappa inspired beers. (Anyone still holding on to a bottle?)

The stats from Upright's press release:

Description:
The beer is well balanced with delicate flavors throughout, using a Munich lager yeast that highlights the ingredients clearly and gives the beer a soft yet satisfying finish. Brewed with Canadian grown pilsener malt and magnum, liberty and tettnanger hops from Mt. Angel. 6.77% abv

If your looking to get your lips around this bottle sooner than later, Upright will be rocking a release party this Friday from 4:30-9 pm, at their Leftbank tasting room, 240 N Broadway, Suite 002. You'll probably be able to find it by following the sound of punk rock blaring from the basement.

Not that I'm counting but we're only 34 days from Teenage Fanclub (and Supercunk!) at the Wonder Ballroom and it should be noted that "When I Still Have Thee" from their recent Shadows LP is absolute perfection. New songs from seminal bands—especially an act that is 19 years removed from their best record, 1991's Bandwagonesque—shouldn't be this good.

Well, the Rolling Stones wrote a song for me
It's a minor song in a major key
But the stars still shine, the museums free
No, I don't need much when I still have thee

This is all I want to listen to. Forever.

LISTEN:

Teenage Fanclub - "When I Still Have Thee"

• It's been a long time since this cover ran. How depressing.

Oh, hello music nerds at Mississippi Records. Put down that rare Sun Ra LP for a second and listen up. Our two titans of the softball diamond meet this weekend (Sunday, 11am at University Field) in a tough divisional matchup with a playoff berth on the line. Since I am a degenerate gambler open to a friendly wager, let's make this game really interesting.

The stakes:
- If Team Mississippi Records wins, you guys can take over End Hits for a week. Once a day for an entire week you can post anything* you want. School us on how we know nothing about music (guilty as charged), post any song you want, or just write some love poems to Jandek or something. Whatever, it's your blog.
- If Team Mercury Softball is victorious, you have to hang a (music related) poster of our choosing in your front display window for a week. It'll probably be this one.

If you accept, email me before first pitch and we'll confirm the wager. May the best team win.

* Nothing illegal please.

A very happy 67th birthday to Barry Manilow! Enjoy his Rick-rollin' rendition of the Astley classic above.

P.S. I am officially done using ChaCha. See below.

Q: What is barry manilows pant size?

A: I am unable to find Barry Manilow's pant size. He has recently had troubles with becoming too skinny, so my guess would be that it's a very small size. ChaCha!

PING PONG PANDEMONIUM!—Local musician Kaia Wilson (the Butchies, Team Dresch) is headed to Germany to compete in the Gay Games in ping pong... and tonight, this ping pong spectacular help sends her there! In addition to music by STLS and DJ Permanent Wave, there'll be a frantic doubles ping pong tournament featuring musicians like Janet Weiss and Carrie Brownstein, along with a grudge match between the Mercury music writers (Ezra "Paddle Ace" Caraeff and Ned "Never Net" Lannamann) and the Willamette Week music writers (Casey "Chokes-a-Lot" Jarman and Michael "Ping Pong? What's Ping Pong?" Mannheimer). Oh snap! EH
w/STLS, DJ Permanent Wave; Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 8 pm, $5

I am throwing down the gauntlet (that's how good I am at ping pong*, I play with a fucking gauntlet**) and challenging the bedwetters at LocalCut to a high stakes ping pong challenge. We're all playing in tomorrow's Kaia Wilson's Ping Pong Pandemonium Party at Holocene and what would a friendly charity match be without some unfriendly wagering on the side?

The challenge:
The loser of the End Hits vs. LocalCut pingpong match will have to attend the June 21st Dream Theater concert at the Roseland OR see emo crunksters Brokencyde at the Hawthorne Theatre that same night. The loser must also write a 500 word review for their respective blog.

Casey and Michael, if you accept this challenge, comment below. But if you lose, no crying. This isn't a Pavement concert. Oh, it's on.

* Not really. Other than the one time I drunkenly played at Rontoms, I have not played ping pong since I was 13.
** Ping pong is just like this, right? Oh, this will not end well.

We are looking to update our "Friends and Enemies" link section in the next few days, so if you have any suggestions, let us know. Make a plug for your blog, send us a link to your Godsmack fan ficiton, or just ask why we've neglected our poor link section for so long. Average Homeboy? That is so 2008.

This Craiglist post is pretty great.

HT to Erica.