Behold the most astonishing Craigslist you will see today. I shall copy it in full, because it may very well be a joke—it's that incredible—and if that's the case, it will probably get taken down pretty soon. (Here's the link to it.)
If it is a fake, well done. If it is not... sweet Jesus. I will review the shit out of this band if they ever start playing shows.
NICKELBACK TRIBUTE SEEKING THE RADDEST BASS PLAYER (Clackamas)
Chad Kroeger and Daniel Adair are looking for our Mike Kroeger to play bass in the raddest Nickelback tribute band ever! Kick lameness to the CURB and prepare to take THE STATE fucking hostage, as we take this DARK HORSE down THE LONG ROAD of awesomeness HERE AND NOW for ALL THE RIGHT REASONS. . .. . .We are gonna hit the stage SILVERSIDE UP with a tribute to Nickelback releasing their double album of greatest hits. Lets grab Portland and Seattle by the balls!!! No one admits it but the fact is everyone secretly loves Nickelback. . ...It's like Jim Gaffigan says, "how did Mcdonalds sell a billion cheeseburgers if no one ever eats there???" I say the same to all you fuckin' hipsters! How did the greatest band in the world that everyone loves to hate, sell over 50 million records if no one likes them. . .. . .I have the panache and the tones of Chad down pat. I have studied his succulent mastery of rock and can pull off all of his amazing rock moves right down to his lion mane of golden curly hair. I will grab your girlfriend by the throat and softly sing her white trash sexual innuendos in my sultry Canadian baritone, while playing lightning out of my Mesa triple rectifier of doom. My drummer has worshipped at the altar of 3 Doors Down and then followed Daniel as he metamorphosed into the hard rock equivalent of multiple female orgasms that is Nickelback. . ...We just need the best Bassist in Portland!
I have some requirements:
must not be really old (like 38 or something)
NO hipsters, if you like PBR you are out!!
No hipster mustaches, even if they look good from multiple angles
No girls at practice! leave Yoko at home, she can come flash her titties at shows!
No Gays, No offense, we love the gays....but Nickelback practices a heterosexual conservative Christian Canadian lifestyle
MUST BE AWESOME, we are and so must you be!
So if you have an amazing bass rig, look like a rockstar, and know you need to be part of something that is bigger than life itself email us
While reading Steven Hyden's earnest tribute to Counting Crows and Nirvana, I came upon an interesting tidbit. The Judgment Night soundtrack was released that same fateful month of 1993. The insanely weird soundtrack to a forgettable movie which I never saw, the Judgment Night soundtrack sought to capitalize on the rap-rock phenomenon before it really existed. Featuring team-ups like Sonic Youth with Cypress Hill or Biohazard and Onyx, Judgment Night is an strange '90s relic that serves well as the butt of many, many jokes.
And it totally rules! Some of it, that is. Check out this combo of Seattle powerhouses Mudhoney and Sir Mix-a-Lot.
The first line of this Slayer/Ice T jam is, "Our government is fucked," which seems prescient.
Teenage Fanclub and De La Soul make for a lighthearted, feel-good combo.
It's all over the internet already, but this really is the best thing ever. Here is the actual, for-real cover of Prince's new single. Yes, that's Dave Chappelle.
If anything, the Mercury is committed to keeping you up-to-date on the latest obsessions of 11-year-old girls, and UK girl group Little Mix are your tween niece's new favoritest thing EVARRR. The four young ladies were contestants on The X Factor UK before all joining forces, becoming heirs apparent to the Spice Girls' throne (it's a really nice throne, but they left a lot of gum under the seat).
And the mania has already started. Here is the video for "Wings," which was a huge hit in Britain last year and is slowly but surely going to do the same here. It's the kind of song that you can't fucking stand for the first 60 seconds, then you slowly warm up to for the next 60, and by the end you are a shrieking, teary-eyed fanatic.
So "Wings" is all fine and good, but what I really want to show you is this wonderful, heartwarming video of Little Mix's first CD signing in the US, at a mall somewhere in the New York area (they want you to think it's Manhattan, but I bet it's somewhere in Jersey). These fans—girls all, except for one very special boy at the 2:34 mark—are SOOO HAPPY to meet their heroes. I bet they already have picked their favorite Little Mixes, like the violet-haired one with the Scottish accent, or the one with the creepily huge doll hair with the pretty bow in it, or the tough (read: black—see also: Scary Spice) one with the backwards combat-green hat, or the one that looks a little like Thnooki (that's "Thin Snooki").
These borderline hysterical fans are delightful, and this is guaranteed to put a smile on your face. :D
Need somewhere to stay in Austin for SXSW? Daniel would like to help. Via the most amazing Craigslist ad I've seen in a while:
SXSW LADIES STAY FREEht: PhotoJQ. (LADIES: please don't actually stay with Daniel.)
That's right! Ladies stay free for SXSW
I'm looking for one to two ladies to stay free during SXSW at my place. This is a simple deal; a free place to stay with many extras, for your services.
• Recording equipment and instruments
• Free internet and computer access
• I will provide some transportation as I will be attending SXSW also
• Bus stop is half a block away and goes anywhere in Austin within minutes
• A 6' tall 190 lbs 6% body fat with ripped abs and a musician, for company
• All entertainment appliances
I'm educated, extremely fit, excellent musician, lived in Austin all my life, good job, nice artistic place to stay, and well grounded.
I'm just looking for cool people to hang out with during SXSW.
• Two friends
• One girl is fine too
I'm not a shallow person as this ad may seem. This is really a business deal, a nice way to meet cool people, and have some fun at the same time!
Looking forward to it!
While the shill of it all might be shocking for some Kiss fans, it’s really a logical step. Hello Kitty is accepted and collected by 12-year-olds to thirtysomethings and no doubt beyond. Plus, the only other franchise that could match Kitty’s eclectic array of items that beare its cuteness is Kiss (FYI, Kiss has Pez this year too.). As depressing as it is, they’re made for each other.
This is probably the greatest musical moment of 2012.
Okay, maybe not. But just watch it. It defies description.
The Portland Cello Project's OK Computer show was fantastic, and at long last, here's one of the highlights: "Exit Music (For a Film)," in which the PCP was accompanied by Weinland's Adam Shearer, wind quintet City of Tomorrow, and the (I do not like typing this name, but okay) Disassemble the Widget men's chorus. This comes via Consequence of Sound, which notes that this video's being released as "an early gift to Thom Yorke and Yo-Yo Ma, who both celebrate birthdays on Sunday" but that "the entire performance will be released shortly." This is excellent news.
Chicago plays the Oregon Zoo on Friday. Are you a true Chicago fan?
Huh, you say you are, but I don't believe you. BECAUSE YOU DON'T OWN ONE OF THESE:
Here is a unique way of combining style & physical comfort with your musical enjoyment!Amazing. This makes my own office chair—it's not even executive, I might add—look like a rickety, busted-wheel coffee-stained pile of puke. And don't get me started on those yoga balls—the Official Chicago Executive Office Chair has "contoured lumbar support" and "extra padded seat." It doesn't get healthier than that.
The Official Chicago Executive office chair features contoured lumbar support, extra padded seat for maximum comfort, tilt tension adjustment & single lever seat height control with locking mechanism. The embroidered CHICAGO logo meets the highest standards of manufacturing quality.
To kick off the campaign on this collector's item, we are offering the chair at $249.99, plus $49.99 shipping. COMMUNITY & FAN CLUB MEMBERS WILL RECEIVE A 20% DISCOUNT, SO NOW IS A GREAT TIME TO BUY!
This is truly the throne of kings.
Your dose of adorable: A bunch of small British children offer their thoughts on Skrillex. (They're as baffled as we are.)
That one curly-haired Elton John fan is mint. And I don't know quite what the girl at 2:42 is saying, but I agree with her 100 percent.
Here's a '90s TV commercial for what has got to be the most PUNK compilation ever made. "It's loaded with our favorite tunes, man!" Everything about this screams authentic PUNK, from the metalhead wigs to the PUNK-AS-FUCK track selection. I don't know if I can handle this much PUNK!
Oh god, this is hilarious.
h/t: Nipper/Line Out
Seeing as the Mercury's former Pug* Editor is no longer a salaried employee of the paper, it falls to me to present you this. And so, here it is. Anything further I have to say will only cheapen the experience, so please enjoy: Bone Pugz.
Thanks to commenter Graham for the tip.
* and Music Too, I Guess
Unless you're living in a bubble, or just don't care about music, or like music pretty much but have an otherwise busy and full and rewarding life—then you already know SXSW is under way, with the music portion of the multi-pronged clusterfuck kicking off tomorrow. Hong Kong animators have taken it upon themselves to depict EXACTLY what Austin's big to-do is all about. So here is a perfectly realized depiction of what I'll be up to later this week. After seeing this, I don't even need to go.
He probably shouldn't be driving.
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